BORDERLINE ALBURY WODONGA

Borderline: "Good evening Prime Minister and good evening to you Mr Turnbull."

Rudd: "Hi".

Turnbull: "Good evening".

Borderline: "Gentlemen before you both start telling Borderline your favourite joke how much is a litre of milk?"

Rudd: "What kind of question is that?"

Turnbull: "I think on this occasion I'll have to agree with the Prime Minister it's not relevant."

Rudd: "It's certainly not relevant five dollars."

Turnbull: No it's not a dollar."

Rudd: No it can't be a dollar three dollars!"

Turnbull: Three dollars surely not two dollars!"

Rudd: "I reckon you should round it off a bit - have you ever bought anything and they've said that'll be two dollars please?"

Turnbull: "I see your point a dollar ninety-five. What about if it's on special?"

Rudd: "Well I suppose we'll have to give two prices then - a dollar ninety full price and seventy cents on special."

Turnbull: What about if they haven't got any litres of milk only half litres?'

Rudd "That's a point it's a lot more expensive then - let's say eight dollars for the two half litres that's four dollars a half litre... no that would be a bit expensive."

Turnbull: What about a dollar ten, that would make it......

BORDERLINE LEAVES THE ROOM

Rudd: Did we agree that we could edit the recording just in case?

Turnbull: "We certainly did like if I call you a mongrel, bible-bashing hypocrite you have every right to edit it Mr Rudd."

Rudd: "And If I called you a lying, twofaced silvertail who wouldn't know the difference between right and wrong even if you fell over it I suppose you would edit out that?"

Turnbull: "No more than you would if I called you an opportunistic bastard who only joined the Labor Party because you thought you could become Prime Minister!"

Rudd: "and what about you, you bastard talk about calling the kettle back - you lowdown scumbag!"

Turnbull: "What about if I was to ram my fist into your jaw - you couldn't delete that."

Rudd: "No more than if I wrapped this chair around your ears you ignorant bastard!'

BORDERLINE RETURNS TO THE ROOM

Turnbull: "Sorry about this but we haven't told our jokes yet... let's see now about a litre of milk two dollars and fifteen cents."

Borderline: "Wrong!"

Rudd: "Two dollars and thirty cents."

Borderline: "Wrong all right how much is a kilo of butter?"

Turnbull: "Hang on not that again

I can smell a rat. That cheap trick has been around since Adam, don't you think Kev."

Rudd: "It's as plain as the nose on your face Mal, that bastard has tried to fit us up."

Turnbull: "I think we should leave like I have a sense of fairplay, just because you're Prime Minister and I'm Leader of the Opposition doesn't mean we should be made fools of."

Rudd: "I quite agree Mal, let's go.

THE PRIME MINISTER AND THE LEADER OF THE OPPOSITION GET UP AND MAKE THEIR WAY TO THE DOOR.

Turnbull: "Heard any good jokes lately Kev?"

Rudd: "Yes Mal, What's the last thing that goes through a fly's mind when it hits a windscreen?

Turnbull: I wouldn't have a clue Ruddy."

Rudd: "It's arse ha ha ha !"

TURNBULL BREAKS INTO HYSTERICAL LAUGHTER.

Turnbull: ( Still Laughing) A trucker who has been out on the road for two weeks stops at a brothel outside Atlanta ha ha ha, he walks straight up to the Madam drops down $500 and says "I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich ha ha ha!" The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal." Ha ha ha (now laughing hysterically) and ha ha ha .. the trucker replies, "Listen darlin', I'm not horny - I'm homesick ha ha ha...."

TURNBULL AND RUDD FALL TO THEIR KNEES LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY.

Rudd: "Praise the Lord That's was the best joke I've ever heard Mal why don't you come and sit at my table and we can tell a few more."

Turnbull: "Alright then Kev."

Rudd: "Do you want to be my mate Mal a real mate, like Menzies and Chifley?"

Turnbull: "I'd love to Ruddy let's be mates why don't we start up our own party."

DAW/DOOR TO NO WHERE!

by a special correspondent

When one has a business name DESTINATION ALBURY WODONGA it is clear that is where one should be going to. The word Destination being defined as 'place a person or thing is bound for; goal; purpose'.

However, the long overdue Official Visitors' Guide for the twin cities produced by Destination Albury Wodonga is an exercise on how not to have an experience in Albury Wodonga. The first two pages in the brochure have enticing ads to send you elsewhere and in particular the towns of Rutherglen and Howlong. These ads set the scene of what is to follow which no doubt will leave the potential visitor wondering where they will end up!

This new brochure is called Albury Wodonga and Surrounding Regions Official Visitors' Guide 2009. It is news to the 'surrounding regions' that they have become part of this 'Official Visitors Guide' - who gave it the 'official crown'? No doubt the spin doctors at DAW, because by the time you try and find quality information about what to see and do in Albury Wodonga your head will certainly be in a spin!

The release of this brochure follows a tirade of industry statistics that DAW has been touting recently; from saying that visitors spend over $500 per day per person, to DAW being responsible for bringing an extra 47,000 people through Albury airport last year (they failed to mention that Virgin Airlines entered the market and is taking people away on cheap holidays). But where is the research to support all these statistics, how were these figures derived when DAW has not had a promotional brochure in the marketplace for many many months - how did people learn about Albury Wodonga?

The new brochure only has one major airline ad (Qantaslink), what about REX and Virgin airlines - they would have taken ads if DAW helped them to bring in an extra 47,000 people? These airlines wouldn't need to advertise anywhere else as DAW has taken credit for securing all these passengers for the airlines?

As everyone says statistics sound impressive and you can do what you like with them and DAW has a Masters Degree in Spin. Bit like their GM Mark Byatt, he has a Masters Degree in Leadership but seems to be unable or never to be seen when there is any conflict around. He certainly has a Masters in Spin as he has managed to get the poor ratepayers to give him two full-time wages (one for being the GM of DAW, the other Mayor of the City of Wodonga) - Spin pays well around $180,000 pa!

Speak about stats here are some which no doubt will impress the Albury Wodonga ratepayers who fund DAW. As you will see things seem to be going downhill rather than uphill, these type of statistics DAW doesn't like because they are having one big party on the ratepayers and they certainly don't want to the party to end with a few home truths!

New brochure has seventyseven (77) ads spread over fiftytwo (52) pages, previous brochure one hundred and thirteen (113) ads (plus other businesses advertised in the Business Directory section) spread over sixtytsix (66) pages, so industry participation has dropped right away.

Previous brochure had a large Business Directory section which listed all advertisers plus other businesses could pay to go in this listing (business name, address and phone number), no Directory in new brochure. Previous brochure had detailed maps of both Albury and Wodonga which showed all the major roads-streets and suburbs with all advertisers having a grid reference for easy location. New brochure has only two very small CBD maps of Albury Wodonga. Also previous brochure had the contact numbers of event organisers in the Calendar of Events section, new one doesn't have this.

The Albury Wodonga Convention Bureau which is funded by DAW doesn't get mentioned in the new brochure, conventions and events are meant to be one of twin cities strengths?

Overall comment, disappointing - focus should be more on Albury Wodonga as it is meant to be the Official Visitors Guide for the twin cities. AlburyCity say that they are a major sponsor but have they got value for money ie there is no ad for AlburyCity with their contact details, there is no display ad for the Albury Botanic Gardens or Wonga Wetlands both of which are Albury City Attractions. Poor PS Cumberoona misses out as well, the very prominent Monument doesn't feature either.

There is no display ad for the Bonegilla Migrant Reception Centre (mention is made of it on page 29 under the 'Lest we forget' heading - Army Museum Bandiana is under the same heading)? The Bonegilla Centre is meant to be a City of Wodonga's iconic attraction and over $100,000 of Wodonga ratepayers' money is being spent on it this year. Light Horse Museum and the museum in South Street not mentioned. On page 23 only the top part of the coloured balls are shown in the photograph (the balls are near the Murray River bridge as you enter Wodonga). No photograph of the water tower in High Street, Wodonga. All the different parklands in Wodonga not mentioned nor is the Wodonga Leisure Centre or the Wodonga showground and its buildings for events. Huon Hill lookout?

Regional maps and CBD maps are very popular - comments on what has been produced in this brochure are mentioned below.

Very advertised driven - if someone has paid for a display ad they get mentioned in the copy elsewhere. Why aren't all the AW rate paying tourism businesses including accommodation listed in this brochure, just over 20 are promoted and yet accommodation is meant to be one of Albury's strengths?

Other members of DAW who have not taken an ad don't even get a listing in this brochure - so what do they get as far as a benefit from being a member of DAW?

Comments on the content of the brochure:

Front Cover
Photographs of Dean Street, Albury plus High Street, Wodonga - no mention made of this in the brochure. It would have been better to have 'attractions' such as the Albury Botanic Gardens etc on the front cover.

Inside Front Cover
Ad The Winemakers of Rutherglen - this should have been an ad promoting AW?

Page 3
Howlong Country Golf Club & Motel ad - Usually a contents page or perhaps a forward from the Albury Mayor given AlburyCity is a major sponsor of the brochure?

Page 4-5
Copy - would be careful using the word 'peaceful' to describe the Murray River, that is why people drown in it, they think it is safe?
Under the heading 19th century….. last sentence re Noreuil Park says 'have a coffee in the café' (which is closed most of the year); ie shouldn't promote something that is not available.

Page 6-7
DAW has created five 'new' regions - nothing exciting about the names given, should be called touring routes rather than regions. Also there is already State Government branding for the regions - AW plus other towns along the Murray and the area up north of Henty is all part of the Murray River branding - The DAW GM, Mark Byatt and his Chairman, Graeme Irons are on the Murray Campaign Committee? Both NSW Tourism and VIC Tourism endorse this as the only regional branding for the area.

Furthermore, North East of Victoria is branded Victoria's High Country by the Victorian State Government and spent millions of dollars marketing it as this. There is a government funded association called North East Victoria Tourism Inc who are paid to market the region as this on behalf of the Victorian Government. Don't think they would appreciate three different DAW regions within this one High Country branded region?

Some regional shires wouldn't appreciate some of their towns being in two different DAW regions ie Myrtleford is in the Southern Region Discovery Region and not in the Alpine Region Adventure Region where the other Alpine Shire towns appear. Alpine Shire likes to market their main towns under their own Alpine Region branding. Likewise with Indigo Shire - now split into two different DAW regions.

Pages 8-9
Very old regional map, at least twelve years old - right out of date with content eg.
Sign posted touring routes are old and no longer displayed on roadsides ie the Tallangatta to Corryong route should be B400 not 16. Kiewa Valley Hwy should be C531 not 191. Road to Beechworth is C315 not 154, Great Alpine Road is now signposted B500 not 156 etc etc.
Haven't put in the Chiltern-Mt Pilot National Park or the Woomargama National Park or the Mt Granya State Park in.
Wymah spelt wrong, have wrongly spelt it as Whyma
Haven't changed the spelling of Kosciuszko
Map doesn't include Henty which is part of Greater Hume Shire (who took a full page ad in the brochure).
Poor Tumbarumba isn't covered in any of the suggested touring routes? Snowy Valleys Way route not marked.
Some roads are now sealed but are shown to be unsealed.
Also Hume Freeway now extends north of Albury ie no longer Hume Highway - the new bypasses aren't in this map.

Pages10-11
Heading Your delicious directions to Albury Wodonga's 'eat streets' two of the photographs show the names of two regional businesses - wouldn't it be appropriate to promote some of the AW ones instead?

Pages 12-13
Ads

Pages 14-15
Ads plus Calendar of Food & Wine Events - very limited list to what is on in the region. No direct contact details ie phone or website details for the event organisers.

Pages 16-17
Ads and copy - 2nd last para there is no regular farmers' market in Beechworth - it is actually a bone of contention at the moment in Beechworth as some would like to see it happen but there are objections to it.

Pages 18-19
Ads and copy

Pages 20-21
Ads

Pages 22-23
Photograph of female sculpture running across water - sculpture is no longer there.

Pages 24-25
Ads - Albury Hobby Centre ad in with historic Indigo Shire ads doesn't fit well.

Pages 26-27
Ads - at least Wodonga City has done an ad covering four things but the Bonegilla Migrant Reception Centre is left out.

Retail is certainly one of Albury's strengths but there is only an Albury Central ad, where is the Myer, Centro or other retails outlet ads?

Re ad for Hampers 4 You (should this be in the food section?).

Pages 28-29
Under the 'Lest we forget' heading re para 3 - poor Bonegilla Migrant Reception Centre is under this heading, so is the Army Museum Bandiana?

Photograph - what is the point of having the crocodile photograph, does it infer we have this animal in the Murray River?

Could have mentioned about the incredible amount of State & National Parks we have in the region and perhaps named some of them?

Pages 30-31
Ads including a Retirement Resort, one?

Pages 32-33
Ads and copy including a Retirement Resort and Snowy Hydro, one - good placement of ads or not?

Pages 34-35
Schmidt's Strawberry Winery - should it be in the food-wine section?
Golf map - Commercial Albury Golf Club is now called Commercial Golf Resort

Pages 36-37

Pages 38-39
Ads
Would have been nice to list all the airlines that come into Albury? Mr Byatt said that they have brought the extra 47,000 people into Albury airport and yet he hasn't listed the airlines companies that did it?

Pages 40-41
Photographs - a towel and a thong? What about some photographs of the accommodation in AW?

Pages 42-43
Ads

Pages 44-45
Ads

Pages 46-47
Ads

Pages 48-49
Ads plus Calendar of Annual Events - very limited, Bright Spring Festival not in it and yet it is a huge drawcard, also no Wangaratta Jazz Festival etc etc. RSPCA Million Paws Walk and the Lake Hume Bridal Fair are hardly appropriate? Again no contact details of the organisers of these events.

Pages 50-51
Under Important Numbers section - last entry is Bike Hire at the Gateway Visitor Info Centre - this could have gone in a better place in the brochure and/or in the Gateway Visitor Info Centre ad?

CBD maps - not very accurate - Wodonga Olympic Pool on wrong side of the street, only one place for parking is shown - hardly attract tourists to park in city! The Wodonga City Council's location is only shown as WCC - visitors wouldn't know what this means? High Street, arrow pointing to the Freeway, could have been useful to put Albury there as well? Public toilets not marked on map etc.

Albury car parks - some are for Club members only ie Commercial Club car park also where is the new AlburyCity multi story one off Olive Street where you park when you go to the Albury Entertainment Centre activities? Albury City Council building location is listed as ACC.

No map showing the new freeway entrances and exists.

No list of the regional visitor information centres.

A spokesman from Insulation Rebate for Homes said the response to the Government's giveaway has been greatly received by the public. People can see the benefit of installing the insulation to help reduce the Energy use of homes. The fact that it helps save homeowners on Energy bills is an added bonus…

Too bloody right it is the $4 billion plan has already taken up a tad over $2.5 billion and looks like reaching the $4 billion program much sooner than expected. Will go like the solar rebate of up to $8,000 which was suddenly halted on June 9.

Greg Hunt the opposition spokesperson on the Environment said that insulation fitters are rigging prices what about the person who does the quotes. What about the insulation companies. … A $4 billion trough for the insulation industry is the opportunity that many a snout had found too hard to refuse.

In Albury Wodonga the $1,600 rebate for homeowners and a $1,000 for landlords which is not means tested has been taken up with considerable enthusiasm. Mr Garrett, the Minister for the Environment, has said the program has been rigorously audited.

Apparently Mr Garrett's departmental letter has been sent to all households who have received home insulation to see if "any issues" had arisen. It's a bit like plumbing isn't it or doctors though we mean no disrespect to both plumbers and doctors that usually their mistakes - at their most extreme of course are buried. How would the average householder be aware of any issues as far as pricing is concerned. Unless you get under the roof to inspect the job. One particular company said they don't lay insulation in houses with flat roofs. They'll do the part of the house that has got a pitched roof. One can understand why. You would probably have to put a bit more roof up to get the insulation in. Pitched roofs can be done a lot faster turnover. That's the secret. You can do a pitched roof in a few hours. Should the person have insisted that they get a quote for the job including the flat part? Perhaps that could be 'an issue' that Mr Garrett would be keen to receive.

Another person who has 'an issue' received a quote which included the small room detached from the house. When the installers arrived to work they said that the small room was not included and 'dropped off' two large bags of insulation and would be around the following morning to install the insulation for $150. That was a few weeks ago. The uninstalled insulation (pictured) still remains bagged awaiting attention.

What really might be 'an issue' was that the householder rang up a builder and asked for a quote to install insulation and gave the approximate dimensions "Three or four hundred should do the trick but why don't you take advantage of the rebate you can get $1,600 what do you mean the quote was over $1600 to do the whole house?"

"No it was under the quote - It was about $ 1300. I've got the insulation though."

"What you mean the quote was under the $1600 rebate and you've got the insulation…?"

Not that he was enthusiastic about doing the job in the first place, but when the facts were explained to him he was even less enthusiastic about doing the job.

Mr Garrett has said "The Government takes a very dim view of anyone abusing the ceiling insulation program," he said and has appointed more auditors to do onsite inspections.

Apparently six hundred inspections are being done a week and with over two hundred thousand people having taken up the offer there is a chance that those who have rorted the system through overcharging or poor workmanship will be brought to account. It is not known if any inspections have been done in Albury Wodonga.

This is not to suggest that the whole industry has succumbed to get as much of the action as possible before the trough is finally exhausted. Most of them do the right thing.

The irony is the insulation for the detached room which is cold in winter and excessively hot in summer. It was for this reason that they agreed to get the insulation done in the first place.

The Carson City Council lined up last winter in support of Measure C, a utility-users' tax that was seen as vital to maintaining city services.

But three council members who backed the tax aren't paying it. Councilman Elito Santarina, Councilwoman Julie Ruiz Raber and former Councilman Harold Williams have all applied for and received exemption from the tax due to their age.

Williams, who was voted off the council in March, now chairs the committee that oversees how the utility-tax revenue is spent.

The council voted unanimously in December to place Measure C on the ballot. In order to ensure its passage, the tax included exemptions for low-income families and for seniors age 62 and older.

During the campaign, each council member explicitly endorsed the tax, which they said was essential.

"I do not want to see senior services diminished," said Raber, who was re-elected to the council in March after a two-year absence. "I do not want to see programs lost. I do not want to see jobs go down the tubes."

At a candidates' forum, Santarina also supported the tax.

"Of course I am in favour of Measure C," he said. "It will bring in $9 million in revenue for the city to help pay for all the services we would like to provide."

Williams was initially reluctant to put the tax on the ballot, but eventually came around.

"In order to be successful, we need one more income stream," he said at a candidates'
Advertisement
Learn the trick
forum.

Each was echoing arguments made by City Manager Jerry Groomes, who had been pushing to impose a utility-users' tax for several years.

Groomes spent much of the winter stumping for the ballot measure, and he routinely told residents that their share would average $3 per month - the price of a cup of coffee.

"I don't know why someone in this community who is really interested in the well-being of this community would oppose this," Groomes said at the time.

At one meeting, Santarina and Williams congratulated Groomes on his persuasive message, each calling one of his presentations a "masterpiece."

"I got to hand it to you, brother," Williams said. "That tells it all."

While Groomes was able to persuade the council members to support the tax, it turns out he was less successful in persuading them to pay it.

After the tax was approved in March, Santarina, Williams and Raber joined about 3,500 other Carson ratepayers who applied for the exemption.

Santarina, who turns 63 next month, said his wife had submitted the exemption form.

"We're not wealthy, but still I am comfortably living off my retirement," he said. "We're very, very, very comfortable."

Upon being asked about it, Santarina said he would consider paying the tax.

"You know what I'm thinking?" he said. "If it's going to really give a clear message to the people that this is not self-serving, I'm willing to not be a part of it."

Santarina also said he would refuse a 50 percent raise the council gave itself in 2006, but then took it anyway.

Raber, 67, said that her husband, Brian Raber, had sent in the exemption form.

"He pays the bills," Raber said.

When the July electric bill came in, the tax was more than $5, which she said seemed high if you look at it on an annual basis. So her husband sought the exemption.

"It wasn't meant to tax the people," she said. "It was meant basically for the corporations. The 2 percent tax wasn't meant to hurt the pocketbooks of anyone."

Raber also said that though she lives on a fixed income, she occasionally gives money to needy seniors, and she has to pay for things for her 10 grandchildren.

Williams, 68, did not return a call seeking comment.

The other council members - Mike Gipson, Mayor Jim Dear and Lula Davis-Holmes - are all younger than 62.

Davis-Holmes, however, is eligible for the exemption because her husband is 71. Even so, neither she nor her husband has applied to be exempt from the tax.

The city balanced its budget this year thanks to the utility-users' tax, which was conservatively projected to bring in $5 million.

So far, the city has received about $220,000 from the tax for the month of July. That works out to just $2.6 million annually. However, the July figure does not yet include some utilities that serve large companies in Carson, and so the figure is expected to rise.

The council members make $1,722 per month, plus a $700 per month car allowance. That median council salary at other South Bay cities is about $600 per month.

gene.maddaus@dailybreeze.com

"You know it's been a while - well a lot of water has gone under the bridge,' he said.

There was no doubt about it The Rack as he was known in Sydney was in a contemplative mood that night. I hadn't seen him for over twenty-five years or more when he lived in various residences in the border area. The last I had seen him he was residing in a tent in an acquaintances back yard. I remember his landlord charging him what I considered an excessive amount to pitch his tent amongst the weeds and debris.

"It was never entirely satisfactory living in a tent, he said his voice tinged with regret. "When the police would come I'd pretend I wasn't at home. I got away with it once but they must have heard something so they ripped the tent clean out of the ground and I tripped over one of the ropes… still that's all water under the bridge now - now that I've found God.

He was never a religious type, was the Rack. In fact he wasn't taken very seriously in criminal circles.

Perhaps it had something to do with why he was called The Rack in the first place, it was when he removed a rack of clothes from a men's boutique in Kings Cross. Apparently it wasn't hard to get a description and the fact that Abe Saffron, a notorious criminal had taken it personally never helped his chances of continuing anonymity either.

"How was I to know Saffron had an interest in A Man's World, that's how they got me. I was walking down the street and I heard someone yell out "stop the bastard that's one of my shirts." The name stuck after that. I suppose you could say that it must have been in God's plan."

The Rack called for another round of drinks.

"I've changed a bit - remember how you used to say I looked like William Holden?"

"I don't remember saying that,' I said trying hard to recollect. "It must have been someone else - but now that you're here I've got a confession to make that's why I've got to tell someone and you're the only person I seem to recognise. I suppose the old crowd are all dead."

The only person I knew who associated with the Rack was George who lived in a lane near Waterstreet's Hotel, where he would sit in a dilapidated shed at the back of the house drinking beer and listening to his favourite tenors. I went to George's shed on a few occasions I don't remember any of the tenors but I do remember the biting cold due to the pervious nature of the decaying walls.

'I'm not proud what I did but you've got admit it saved me a lot of work,' he said. "And I don't know if anyone else knew about it but I suspect one or two of them were in the know because I was up in Lindsay Avenue one night and I bumped into someone acting suspiciously - then again I suppose I was acting suspiciously as well so we both scarped it."

I was not quite sure where the conversation was going, but The Rack was a perceptive person and immediately recognised my confusion.

Remember that woman Judy Seebacher that used to write that column… I think it was called About Town… in the late sixties early seventies.?

I remembered Judy's column. In those days if you were seen in that column of hers What People Are Doing you were on the A list in Albury and Wodonga.

"She used to write about when people used to go away for a holiday… Mr and Mrs Whatever have gone for a four day holiday on the Gold Coast. That's where everyone used to go in those days, and Melbourne and Sydney. Only occasionally did people go overseas, I liked that when Mr and Mrs Whatever went overseas you were less hurried… more selective."

"I'm not quite sure what you mean," I said. I was about to elaborate but The Rack being the perceptive man that he was, immediately addressed my expected query.

"You see," he said with a slight hint of smugness. It wasn't just me - there were plenty desperate enough to make the trip because you were assured of a modest return for your efforts. You see what you'd do is to read About Town and note those who had gone away for a few days. Of course you had to cross reference it with the telephone book… then again if you lived in a shack you didn't go to the Gold Coast did you."

"I suppose not," I said.

'It helped if you knew where the toffs lived because that saved a lot of bother when you had to fence them, those big televisions they had then; that's how you could tell the novice walking the streets in the middle of the night with a large television. Like, who wants to buy a television at three o'clock in the bloody morning. The pubs shut at ten in those days."

I was beginning to wonder when he'd get to the point but the almost uncanny perception of The Rack was onto my confusion in a flash.

"You see it took all the risk out of it - breaking and entering can be a nerve-racking business, you try it in some pitch black place and someone says "whose there?" That's why when we read Judy's column we knew we wouldn't get into any situations like that because she prided herself on her accuracy. You couldn't say Mr and Mrs Whatever were holidaying on the Gold Coast, and the next day they were seen walking down Dean Street. It would have meant social disgrace. You'd never get over it. You'd be ostracised.

"So if Mr and Mrs Whatever were going to the Gold Cost for four days, you had four days to do the place over?"

"Not quite because you were never sure how many other villains had read the column and were planning a similar venture. I heard them one night somewhere near Wyse Street there was another one. Can you imagine other burglars wandering through darkened rooms… it was only a matter of time before…? I got wacked over the head with a jemmy - awful business.

'Did the police have any idea what was going on?"

"Of course they didn't, they thought they were a - a gang ha ha - a gang!" The Rack began to laugh hysterically.

Just as I was about to leave The Rack took on a more serious expression.

"You know," he said shaking my hand 'are you sure you never said I looked like William Holden."

"I don't think I did - I'd say more like Lee Marvin,"

"The Rack's eyes suddenly brightened.
"Lee Marvin - well I'll be damned!"

As I left The Rack was attempting I was born 'under a wandrin star' made famous in the musical Paint Your Wagon. I don't think there was much demand for pre-recorded music for the song - still Like when Lee Marvin sung it you didn't have to be a Caruso or a Pavarotti. After all would you see them at Karaoke night on a Wednesday night?

Not on your life.

You only have to visit a supermarket to realise that a kitchen is rapidly becoming an extraneous addition to housing construction. It is no longer necessary, so why not avoid unnecessary expense and not have one, all you need is an area for fridge and a microwave. You don't even need a can opener as most reputable brands have a ring top that allows easy acess. You don't even need washing up facilities as most meals also have their own container of course you can have a bit of crockery and some knives and forks when you get one of those family type serves that require distribution. A friend swears that one of those Chinese imitation Swiss army knives do the job adequately as well as providing a number of other tools such as a screwdriver and nail file which come in very handy.

Borderline just this week purchased a product from one of the more reputable providers in prepared meals. Lean Cuisine is an offshoot of Nestle. Chicken Florentine with Linguine, (marinated chicken in a creamy cheese and spinach sauce, served with al dente linguine) pasta looked quite delicious on the packet the photograph always does. However disappointment usually follows, as it did in another promising product that just like a Chinese imitation Swiss army knife offered to facilitate a number of things 'in one'. Then again photographs are like that.

I am of course referring to a can of 'hearty breakfast' a combination of baked beans, tomato, bacon, in a rich tomato sauce. The first thing that drew my attention to this particular product was the skill of the art director/photographer in picturing the combination of such foodstuffs without making it into something projected on the windows and footpaths of Dean Street, and awaiting the attention of that mechanical footpath sweeper they use to cleanse the street especially on a Sunday morning.

This is an exciting development in food technology when you can combine a number of foodstuffs into a can. If you were to prepare a 'hearty breakfast' in the traditional way you require to combine the individual ingredients in a large saucepan, or individual saucepans. Now all you do is pull the ring top and there you have it. Microwave for a couple of minutes. Some purist might say that toast is an essential ingredient in a 'hearty breakfast', however you are no doubt aware of the carcinogenic properties when you burn bread which is what toast essentially is.

Chicken Florentine with Linguine, (marinated chicken in a creamy cheese and spinach sauce, served with al dente linguine) was quite acceptable if not a little tasteless. That one thing that should be announced without contradiction is the reintroduction of MSG to Australian culinary practices. Since the banning of Monosodium glutamate (MSG) to enhance the flavour of food, tasty food is not what it used to be. It is only a distant memory when Borderline witnessed MSG being delivered to a restaurant    in ten kilo containers, three high. Obviously the chef was responding to what every diner requires. A very tasty dish that's what everyone wants and to be ridden of the pangs of hunger. That's why Borderline likes those 'all you can eat buffets'. People without pretense satisfying one of the most basic fundamentals of the human condition hunger!

Some people might have their suspicions that living on such prepared food might be detrimental to your long-term health. This is not necessarily so as you can always get a bit of prepared salad - better still vitamins which are more comprehensive in solving any nutritional deficiencies.

One thing that does require a bit more thinking is canned soup. Borderline recently purchased a can of Campbell's beef and vegetable soup. Campbell's differ from the other popular brand Heinz in that there is no evidence of beef. Heinz have a few shredded pieces of beef to reassure you. Campbell's must use essence of beef which is a lot more tasty. This complaint is purely cosmetic because Campbell's have compensated by colouring their beef and vegetable soup a more authentic 'beefy' colour.

The lot of advertising used the inference that such meals are for busy people. Everyone likes to think they're busy on the go. That's why in future times you won't need a kitchen. Soup is ideal for the busy person because you don't have to eat it you just mostly drink it. Campbells probably had that in mind when they developed their beef and vegetable soup because an inadvertent bit of beef caught in the throat could cause choking and a request to Campbells for a out-of-court-settlement.

There is that movement called slow food, a European inspired culinary movement that finds 'fast food' distasteful. This is mainly a ploy to get suckers into their overpriced, overrated restaurants. Lean Cuisine's Chicken Florentine with Linguine is a far better alternative because you can just put in the microwave on defrost mode for a couple of hours. Better still if the department of meteorology predicts a fine day, put it on the roof before you go to work. If you keep regular hours at the office it should be just right by the time you get home that evening. Might need a bit of additional heating if you work back a bit.

Some people have said to Borderline that what you need is a restaurant review page. All very nice just like the Age or the Sydney Morning Herald. Sometimes you get a lot of pretentious rot. How could you review this particular night when an acquaintance of Borderline, unfamiliar with dinning out, went to a Chinese restaurant in Lavington and was handed a warm refresher towel as they do in the better Chinese restaurant. This particular fellow who had had a couple of drinks mistook the towel for a spring roll and made several unsuccessful attempts to eat it.

That's what Borderline would prefer more practical stuff. The first thing that Borderline would do in this instance would simply offer the advice that the refresher towels be a colour that you couldn't possibly mistake for a large spring roll say purple with a floral pattern.

What if it was purple with a floral pattern?

The thing that is a bit of a temptation about not having a kitchen is that if you really think about it you don't really need a lot of other rooms as well. You can buy those drinks that are loaded with caffeine, presumably to keep you awake. There was a story once where a Italian gentleman claimed he had not slept for twenty-seven years. Obviously this would be an advantage if you wanted to cram a lot more activities into your life. It would be most advantageous to ingratiate yourself - can you imagine it. "Luigi you look like you've been here all night….?" "I've been here for twenty-seven years," says Luigi. "No wonder the floors are so clean you're employee of the week!" says the Boss moving on.

The only thing if Borderline remembers correctly is that Luigi (not his real name and not done for the sake of racial stereotypes) is that twenty-seven years of sleeplessness had diminished his appetite.

One could suppose that in this instance it didn't really matter whether the food was fast or slow.